Tide (The Sarah Midnight Trilogy) Page 7

  A new wave of self-hatred washed over him as she struggled against him. Finally, she lay still. She was blinded by Sean’s hand, panting with the effort and with the weight on her chest.

  “Sarah. Let me speak. Just for a moment.” Sean tried again.

  “What do you want from me?” she whispered, her voice dripping with fear and fury.

  “Tell me I can let go of your hands.”

  “You can.”

  “Will you use the Blackwater against me?”

  “No.”

  “Give me your word.”

  “You have my word.”

  Sean didn’t really know whether to believe her, of course. But he needed to give her a chance. He needed to give them both a chance to change that terrible scenario – it was too awful, too painful, to be laying into her the way he was.

  “What have I done to you? What did Harry ever do to you? Why are you doing this?” she whispered.

  “To save your life—” He was desperate for her to understand. “I couldn’t save Harry, but I can protect you.”

  “Let me look at you. Take your hands away.”

  “You’ll use the Midnight gaze on me.”

  “No. No I won’t.”

  “I don’t believe you, Sarah.”

  Sarah tried to lift her knees in an attempt to kick him off her, but she couldn’t. He was a lot stronger. Sean leaned even more heavily on her chest, his fingers burrowing into her wrists. She tried to inhale, panicked and whimpered in pain. Sean closed his eyes. How had it come to this? He couldn’t believe it, he couldn’t believe he was doing this to her. I’m actually hurting her. Hurting my Sarah. In what crazy twist of my mind has this ever happened? None of them. Ever.

  He felt a teardrop rolling between his fingers. Her breathing was heavy and fast, but her body was growing weary. She knew there was no way out.

  I can’t do this, thought Sean. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t hurt her anymore.

  In one swift, unexpected move, he lifted his hand from her eyes, freed her wrists and climbed off her to stand beside her bed. “There. You’re free. You can do whatever you want now.”

  Sean waited for her to strike, praying she wouldn’t. His own survival wasn’t his first concern, though he certainly didn’t want to die. How many of us are left to fight? How many more can we afford to lose, before there are no Secret heirs, no Gamekeepers left?

  Sarah leapt to face him, and narrowed her eyes. The Midnight gaze. He folded into himself, beaten. It was over.

  And when he was gone, who would she have beside her? Who would be loyal to her until the end? What an idiot he had been. He should have kept going. He should have held her down, and now it was too late. Her survival instinct had taken over – the Midnight instinct for the hunt, just like when she had slaughtered the demon-slave that had killed Leigh. She wasn’t Sarah anymore. She was a Midnight huntress, and he didn’t stand a chance.

  But as he watched, Sarah blinked over and over again, until the deadly green light from her eyes finally dimmed, and she didn’t strike, she didn’t try to touch Sean with the Blackwater. She was standing in a pool of moonlight that seeped from the silvery curtains. She’s like the moon, he thought, white and pure and never quite within my reach.

  “Sarah. Sarah. Please listen to me. I didn’t kill Harry. I’m sorry I lied to you,” he said, the words tumbling over themselves as he tried to make her believe him.

  I love you.

  “I had no choice.”

  I love you.

  “I wanted to tell you the truth, but there was never a right time.”

  I love you.

  His voice trailed away. He sounded feeble and somehow weak, even to his own ears. It was as if the truth was too complicated to convey. As if the breach of trust could never be repaired.

  Sarah looked at him the way she always did, in her own direct, fearless way. In her eyes, anger and disappointment. Sean could see it as clear as day, and it pained him so much.

  She’s disappointed in me, because I lied to her. How ironic. A Midnight is, by definition, a liar.

  “Say your piece,” she said in a low voice.

  Sean took a deep breath. His one and only chance.

  “Harry Midnight was my best friend. He was like a brother. I didn’t kill him, the Secret Council did, the Sabha. It’s been infiltrated, corrupted.”

  She didn’t move. She didn’t talk. She was full of that Sarah stillness he knew so well.

  He tried again. “You’re still in danger. And the danger is closer than you realize. We were attacked by two soil demons on the way here, they nearly took me under.”

  Sarah’s eyes widened, travelling up and down his body and taking in for the first time his muddy clothes, his wet hair.

  “Sarah. The Valaya that was after you, Cathy’s Valaya, it’s just one of many. They want to destroy all the Secret Families. Someone is behind all this. We don’t know who …or what. Yet.”

  She frowned slightly. “I know all this, Sean.” The moonlight made her skin glow and gave her hair, tangled in the fight, a blue halo. She didn’t look afraid anymore.

  “You know?”

  “Nicholas told me.”

  Sean grimaced at the mention of Nicholas’s name. “You need to let me help you.”

  “In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve got powers. And I’m not alone. I have Nicholas with me, and as you saw that day, he has incredible powers too. Unlike you.”

  Sean’s heart sank. He was just a Gamekeeper, not a Secret heir like Nicholas Donal. If he really is who he says he is.

  Sean decided against mentioning his fears about Nicholas now – it would only anger her more. “All right. Point taken. But Sarah, he’s not enough.”

  “You’ve seen him in action, Sean.” She said his name as if it was an insult, another reminder of his deceit.

  He tried to ignore the disdain in her voice. “Listen to me, Sarah. Harry was married to another Secret heir, Elodie Brun. Elodie Midnight. She’s the last of your family, although not by blood. She’s here, in Edinburgh.”

  “Ah, but is she really who she says she is?”

  “She is Harry’s wife. Harry’s … widow. You must believe me.”

  Sean’s shoulders hunched under the weight of the terrible, terrible mess he had made, believing he was doing what was right. How could he possibly know? Why had he ever accepted Harry’s mission? Why had he not just followed his heart and gone to Sarah as himself, Sean Hannay?

  But the answer to that was simple. Because she wouldn’t have let him into her life.

  A lose–lose situation. Trust him to be in one of those.

  Sarah thrust her chin up defiantly. She knew that she had the power in this relationship. “Why should I believe you? After all the lies you’ve told me?”

  “Because I’m telling you the truth now. All I did was for you, Sarah. And for Harry. It was he who asked me to take his place. Elodie can tell you that.”

  “Where has this Elodie been all this time?” She spat.

  “In Italy. Harry knew he was dying. He’d been poisoned. The day before he died he called me to him. He sent Elodie to Italy to look after the last Japanese heir, Aiko Ayanami, and sent me to look after you. It seems as if he left a message for us. Elodie found it in a book Harry gave her. It’s in Gaelic. We need you to translate it. We can’t trust anyone else.”

  Sean’s voice faded. It’s no use. No use. No need for more words.

  Sarah stood still and silent again. For a long time.

  Another tear rolled down her cheek, shining feebly in the moonlight.

  Sean took a step towards her. “Don’t be frightened.”

  She dropped her head. “How?”

  “How … what?”

  “How do you do that? Not be frightened? I don’t know how.” She folded her arms around herself. “I’ve been frightened all my life, Sean. All the time. It’s all that I know. Do you know how it feels, to be as scared as I am? To feel like you’re drowning in terror a
ll the time? I live on the edge of disaster, always waiting. When I was a little girl, any phone call, any letter, any day could spell my parents’ death. My death. Any night could have been the night they didn’t come back. And guess what? It happened. One night they didn’t come back. And any day now it will be my turn.”

  “Welcome to the human condition, Sarah!” Sean cried in frustration. “It’s like that for everybody, in case you haven’t noticed! Every single person on this planet can say ‘This might be the day I die. This might be the day my loved ones die.’You don’t need to be an heir to be always afraid!” He took hold of her shoulders.

  “Go away!” She tried to shake him off.

  “Look around you, Sarah. This room, this house. Everything is spotless. Everything is so clean I could eat off your floors! Does it make you feel better? Does it help, for God’s sake? Look at your hands!” Sean grabbed her – he was past caring about the Blackwater. “Look at them. Look at the way they are again.” His fingers traced her raw, rough skin. “I don’t see Nicholas making much difference to your obsessions! It had got better, remember? But you’re just as fearful now. Worse, perhaps.”

  She nodded then met his eye. “You made it better, Sean. And then you went away. It was all a lie, even your name. Everything was a lie.” Her voice hardened. “Don’t come and tell me I’m not well. I know I’m not well. Don’t preach to me when it’s you who made me this way. Go.”

  “No.” He suddenly felt strength return to his battered body.

  “Go away!”

  “Let me stay with you. You need me. You need us. Me, Elodie. Harry’s wife. She’s here to help us. Please let me stay with you. Let us stay with you.” He spoke calmly, simply.

  Sarah looked at him with eyes that wanted to be hard, but they were somehow pleading – Sean could see how much she wanted to believe him.

  “You were everything to me. Do you know that?”

  Sean couldn’t help gasping in shock at her confession, a sharp intake of breath that sounded a bit like a strangled sob. He hadn’t expected an admission like that. He was at a loss for words.

  “You were all that was left of my family, but you were lying. And I can’t let myself be hurt again.”

  “I won’t hurt you again,” he said.

  She studied his face, as if she wanted to read his mind, read his soul. Sean held her gaze – he had nothing to hide anymore.

  “Who are you?” she said finally.

  “My name is Sean Hannay, I’m a Gamekeeper. I was born and raised in New Zealand. Before becoming a Gamekeeper, I studied medicine, like Harry. Harry Midnight was my brother in everything but blood. And you’re all I have, do you hear me? You’re all I have.” You’re all I have was their mantra, their special coded message that replaced the words they would have really wanted to say but couldn’t.

  Their bodies pulled towards each other. Towards comfort, respite and out of the lonely state they’d both found themselves in. It nearly happened – he nearly held her in his arms the way he used to. But all of a sudden Sarah steeled herself. They stood immobile, her hands in his, fighting the gravity that pulled them together like a planet and its moon.

  “Where are you staying?”

  “I’m renting somewhere near here. A farm cottage on the moorland.”

  Sarah nodded. “Come back tomorrow. I want to speak properly.”

  Sean nodded, giddy with relief.

  “I want you to go now,” she said in a soft voice, a voice that made it sound as if she actually wanted to say stay with me. And he wanted to stay, he wanted to hold her through the night. He remembered what it was like to kiss her, their one and only kiss. He remembered her lips on his, and he didn’t want to be away from her, not then, not now, not ever.

  But it was too soon. He would be patient. It was best if he went.

  Just one last thing.

  “Sarah?”

  “Yes.”

  “Have you ever heard of forgiveness?”

  Without waiting for her reply, Sean turned and walked out of the room, out of Sarah’s house and into the darkness.

  Soft footsteps followed him, and he turned and took Elodie’s hand, a slight smile on his lips. There was a little glimmer of hope in his heart, because when he had looked at Sarah’s face just before walking away, her eyes were still saying stay with me. So he did stay, with Elodie by his side, both of them still and cold – watching the soil anxiously, watching over Sarah for the rest of the night.

  10

  Days and Nights

  To just do it

  To dive from barren land

  Into blue waters

  While Sean and Elodie were still hidden and invisible among the oak trees, Sarah was sitting at the kitchen table, examining her wrists, lost in thought. Small purple bruises were appearing where Sean had held her down, like bracelets, or handcuffs, getting darker on her pale skin. In front of her, on the table, sat a little red pouch, the protection charm she’d made for the man she’d believed was Harry. It had snapped the night before when she’d tried to hit him with the Midnight gaze. Sean had been wearing it all that time.

  Sarah took a sip of her cappuccino, feeling the soft red velvet of the charm with her fingers. She could make out the shape of the little pink quartz in it.

  She believed Sean. For some weird reason – a hunch, a gut feeling, whatever you might call it – she believed him when he said he didn’t kill Harry. He wasn’t a murderer. Just a liar.

  And then another Sean-thought, a bittersweet one, came fluttering into her mind: his blue eyes, so clear, the forbidden feeling of lips on lips, skin against skin, a girl who suddenly knew what to do and was unafraid.

  She stood up quickly and started wiping the table. That thought she couldn’t cope with – the memory of her feelings for him, and their one and only kiss. All that was over and gone forever. And Nicholas wasn’t to know.

  She’d asked Sean to come back. She should have told him when – she had deleted his number from her phone in a fit of anger when she’d discovered his betrayal, so she had no way to contact him now. How long would she have to wait? Maybe she shouldn’t go to school, in case he turned up there. Or maybe he’d come in the evening. Or the night again, when she was in bed and helpless? The thought chilled her. It had been a terrifying experience, not least because of what she might have done to him.

  She wasn’t afraid of Sean hurting her anymore – had he wanted to, he would have done so already, but she still wanted to be in control. Not in the dark, unprepared and vulnerable way she’d been earlier. She wanted to be able to think clearly the next time they met. And if Nicholas was there … No. The thought of the two of them crossing paths in her home was just too strange.

  What she wasn’t admitting, not even to herself, was that she couldn’t wait. She wanted to talk to Sean properly, sort it all out. Decide whether she could bear having him in her life again. Whether she could bear not having him in her life anymore. But could they sort it, after all that had happened? When she was still so angry, when she needed him so badly, when she was so confused she couldn’t even begin to unravel her thoughts?

  She walked over to the calendar on the wall, lifting the page to count the weeks until Christmas. Until Islay. She remembered her conversation the previous day with Aunt Juliet. When is Harry coming back? It would solve so many problems, if she could allow herself to contemplate Sean being back in her life. Maybe he could help her find a way to do more than just survive. Find a way to rise against the Surari once and for all. With Nicholas’s help. They could look for other heirs, try and coordinate somehow, now that they knew the Sabha could not be trusted any longer.

  Truth and lies were so mixed together, Sarah couldn’t even begin to comprehend it all. It all comes down to who I choose to believe, she thought, a small flower of fear blossoming in her chest once more. Fear was second nature for her. That didn’t mean she ever got used to it.

  Her eye fell on the clock. Nearly time to go to school. She ran upstair
s and put on her uniform. Her skirt was hanging ready, a freshly ironed shirt beside it.

  Downstairs, Sarah wiped every surface of the kitchen, then stood in front of the hall mirror, checking her uniform again. She straightened her skirt, she smoothed down her shirt and ran her hands over her tights. She let her hair down from its ponytail, and did it up again, making sure it looked perfect. She noticed how thin her legs were, how pale her face was. She had lost weight, and she wasn’t looking better for it.

  Is love not supposed to make you bloom?

  “He’s not back, then?”

  Sarah knew at once who Bryony was talking about.

  They were sitting on one of the wooden tables dotted along the edges of the football pitches. Sarah had taken to having her lunch there alone, in spite of the harsh winter weather. From there she could see the exact place where she and Sean had killed Simon, and where Leigh’s fate had been sealed. That memory haunted her, but still she couldn’t stay away. It was like some absurd hope to turn back time and change things. Change Leigh’s destiny.

  Sarah, Bryony, Alice and Leigh, the four girls who were always together since their nursery years. Now Leigh was gone, the mystery of her murder still unsolved. She had been found strangled in the drama room. Only Sarah knew the truth, that she’d been a victim of the Scottish Valaya – and in Sarah’s mind, a victim of the Midnights and their cursed, violent life. She knew, rationally, that Leigh’s death hadn’t been her fault, but she couldn’t help feeling the way she did. Now she was so scared about anything happening to her other friends that she was avoiding them, keeping herself to herself. And Bryony and Alice wandered around the school grounds, the lost half of their close-knit group.